RELATIONSHIPS

Advice For Women Crushing on a Guy Friend: How to turn a Buddy into a Beau

3/27/2006

And You Say He’s Just a Friend



And You Say He’s Just a Friend

It’s the nighttime soap plotline that keeps diehards glued to the tube. Girl has crush on a guy she’s been buddy-buddy with for years. He’s completely clueless—talks to her about baseball, greets her with big bear hugs and jovial pats on the back, even lets out the odd belch or fart in her presence—she’s just one of the boys to him, uterus and all.

Scripted, his eyes would be opened following a tomboy transformation or that magic moment when the secretly pretty, plain Paige takes off her glasses. Reality is rarely so fairy tale and sadly, all too often such love is left unexplored and unrequited. But it doesn’t have to be that way. If a woman is bold enough to put her feelings and friendship on the line, she could ignite a promising relationship.

“I think there is a very good chance of success [in turning a buddy into a beau] because a friendship is an emotional bond that can be a very powerful foundation for a romance, provided there is chemistry,” says Nina Atwood, a Dallas-based relationship therapist and author of Be Your Own Dating Service. However Atwood places a premium on the chemistry caveat.

“No relationship can be forced. The potential has to be there for him to have romantic feelings for her; otherwise, her efforts pursue him or wake him up sexually will only make him feel uncomfortable and ruin a good friendship.”

So before you start sending off signals, its important to gage his level of attraction to you. Atwood recommends making a mental checklist:

1) Has he ever flirted with you?


2) Has he ever made comments about how great you look? (More “your legs look hot in that dress,” than “that’s a really nice blouse.”


3) Has he ever acted jealous when you were dating someone?


4) Has he ever tried to monopolize your time so you don’t have time to go out with other guys?


5)Has he ever made comments to other people about how attractive you are?


6) If he is dating someone and you finds out about it, does he seem to be holding back about talking about it.


7)Has he ever invited you out for something that felt romantic, like a cozy dinner, or a Christmas party for which he supposedly just needed an escort though you were required to dress up?



If you’re nodding your head to at least three of these scenarios, odds are this F.Y.W (Friend You Want) may already have fantasized about hooking up with you.

WORD OF CAUTION
There are men who subscribe to the old misogynist adage, “There’s no such thing as a female platonic female friend, that’s just someone you haven’t got around to banging yet.” And even guys with higher moral standards may succumb to the temptation of a woman throwing themselves at them without thinking of the long-term consequences. “A guy can easily have sex with a female friend with absolutely no interest in having a relationship,” Atwood explains. “Sexual interest is not enough; he has to want you for more than that,” she adds. So don’t bait him with sex unless a one-nighter is all you have in mind. The Monica/Chandler situation is very rare and most times when platonic friends sleep together out of the blue, the friendship goes awry in a hurry.

MAKING THE MOVE
The key to altering a guy friend’s perception of you so that he sees you as a babe instead of a bud is changing your behavior around him and cutting out all buddy-buddy activities.
Whether you’ve been hanging out with FYW shooting pool, watching action movies, sucking back on cold ones at the local dive while he and other friends ogle barmaids or gorge themselves on a cheap wing Tuesdays, it’s time to put a stop to those activities. As long as you act like his pal, he’ll always see you that way. “Sometimes if you do the things you’ve done before but do it in a different way it can catch his attention” says Atwood. Take a look at the following three scenarios for guidance:

The Deal—everyone including FYW are meeting up for a casual dinner at 8 o’clock.
The Move—Arrive noticeably late and dressed way too good for the venue. Make it known that you have to be somewhere in thirty minutes and then head for the exit.
The Line—“Oh I’m just popping by and I wanted to say hi to everyone.”
Why it Works—By dressing up you stand out, and by coming late and leaving early you become the talk of the night. The girl who leaves is always more appealing than the one who sticks around and whose mere availability makes her seem less attractive by comparison. Besides, what guy isn’t fond of a cute butt walking away from him?

The Deal—You and FYW are alone enjoying some one-on-one time.
The Move—Look for some opportunity in that conversation to broach the subject of friends dating.
The Line—“Isn’t it funny how we’ve been friends so long and we never hooked up?”
Why it Works—It’s a pressure cooker question and even if he starts acting uncomfortable you can easily get out of it by saying, “but were good together as friends.”

The Deal—FYW and you are out in public cruising the streets or maybe at a nightclub and you catch the eye of an attractive random guy.
The Move—Mosey right on over and smile.
The Line—“I couldn’t help notice you, noticing me”
Why it works—FYW’s reaction will be very telling. If he’s cheering you on then its back to the drawing board. But if he acts jealous and protective then you may have something to work with.

CLOSING THE DEAL
Once you’ve noticed the sexual tension increasing, its time to come right out with it. Atwood’s advice at this point is to ask him directly “what about the possibility of us dating?” Many men are so deathly afraid of hurting a woman’s feelings that they’ll sometimes hold back the truth to spare hurting her. So its important to let him know that if he is not interested, it’s cool with you and their will be no hard feelings.

“Discuss the pros and cons, and talk about what would happen if one of you decided it wasn’t the right relationship at some point,” Atwood warns.

Ground rules are essential in making the friend-to-lover transition smooth. Remember, the future of the friendship is at stake. Make sure that both of you are willing to take some risks because, lets face it, love is risky and when you already care about someone as a friend there’s that much more to lose.

Copyright © Mike Dojc, 2006

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