The Birds Of Baseball


The Orioles, Blue Jays and Cardinals can teach us a whole lot about lovin'.

The Orioles, Blue Jays and Cardinals can teach us a whole lot about lovin'.

Characteristics: When the male Oriole feels frisky he flies to a prospective mate and flaunts his brightly coloured body in a “do you think I’m sexy” rump-shaking fashion. He then bends over, letting his soon-to-be lover stare at his sexy backside, all all the while singing a seductive song which ornithological types have described as sounding something like, “pidoo tewdi tewdi yewdi tew tidew.” Lesson: A striptease is all the more arousing with a porno soundtrack to back it up.

Blue Jay
Characteristics: Blue Jays are monogamous birdies—once a couple decides to nest together they tend to stay together. A Blue Jay birdy guy knows that the way to a Blue Jay birdy gal’s heart is through her stomach. In order to attract a lady jay’s attention he stuffs her gullet with seeds, nuts, frogs and other tasty treats. Lesson: Keep your kitchen well stocked so your partner doesn’t go looking elsewhere when they crave a piece of cherry pie.

Characteristics: Many amorous Cardinal couples enjoy singing duets before renewing their quarter-mile high club memberships. It has been hypothesized that their singing helps to synchronize reproduction. Collecting frequent flyer points is also not unusual--according to one study 9-35% of Cardinal nestlings were born as the result of freelance copulations. Lesson: Some love songs start happy and then end really crappy.

Originally appeared in 2 Magazine.

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